Gloomy dayzzzzz

I have been neglecting to blog, which is becoming a habit, maybe not everyone is good at this, maybe I do better just writing on my own, when no one can read it.
There have been 2 things I love to do but have neglected since November(gasp!): Bike riding- my sad little road bike has been collecting dust in my room and is being used as a drying rack for my unmentionables. How did this happen? Yea it's been sorta crappy out the last few months, but just because I'm lazy and don't wanna lug it up 4 flights of stairs doesn't mean I shouldn't make the effort. I love riding!! and SF if one of the best cities to ride in.
Shows: What the Fay? I think this mostly has to do with the fact I've decided to eliminate my debt at an excelerated rate which means I do not have any extra cash money. Bummer, I should really use some hair money to fill that void.
In other news, I have a new man friend in my life, he is awesome.

Seriously, sometimes I think some people shouldn't be allowed to leave the house.
At the ol' feet doctors, we had a patient that gave me the worst headache. Maybe if her voice wasn't so whiney it wouldn't be that bad, If you can't handle your biz, don't leave the house.

Haven't been bloggerific in ages. Things are pretty good, other than falling off the wagon on Saturday. I need to doubly focus on taking for of myself, esp when I still feel awful 3 days later.
I've been really happy and healthy except for those couple times this month when I thought partying would be a good idea. I was very very wrong.

On the bright side, I've lost nearly 20 lbs since July, and feel so much better. My depression has been lessened, and good things are coming my way in the next few months. Hopefully those things will not be accompanied by vodka.

Just a phase... or ready to move back home?

So I don't know its the struggle with depression, a phase of being homesick, or I've seen what i needed to here in SF. But lately, I've been seriously having the urge to move back. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my salon. I miss summer weather.

There is no such thing as summer in San Francisco.

I have decided not to do anything rash. Maybe starting school next week will help me feel more purpose in my life. Also, I'd like to be debt free and depression free before I do anything. So I wouldn't leave for at least a year. But as I get older I realize my sister will be starting a family soon enough and rest of my family is in Seattle.

Recycle, c'mon

I have recently had some moral dilemmas with the recycling issue in my professional and personal life. Why doesn't eveyone just recycle. I have a friend who appalled me when I went to visit in Seattle earlier this year didn't recycle. I thought that i changed his ways when he started to recycle while i was in town. I just spoke with him. No recycling unless its a big box that won't fit in the garbage can. Hell no!

Also we don't have recycling at work, and it makes me sad, very very sad.

Depression and Other People's projection.

Lately I haven't really been at my best, but I think I should at least be proud that I"m doing something to improve my quality of life. I recently decided enough is enough. I have begun the journey to improve mental health via: individual therapy, group therapy, and possibility of antidepressants. Last night I entered the world of group therapy aka Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This entails bacially changing the way you think and act in order to change your quality of life. As a self proclaimed negative thinker, this will prove to help me.

As far as other stuff going on , the home front proves to be an issue as well. One person in particular is so oblivious to people around them, he continues to disrespect us all. If life were easy we could just tell him to move out and move on, but i don't see that happening. If he could just see how he negatively treats other people and be aware of his own actions it would be better.
His altered view on reality is making it hard for anyone to live happily in the house.

taking control of my life

I have lived with depression a good portion of my life. Most of the time it seems manageable. If i take good care of myself. Eat well, exercise and have a positive attitude. Lately it has snuck back into my life at full force, and with the worst timing. Maybe its a culmination of all the change that is entering my life, as well as starting to date someone. It has been about 3 years since I have opened up to anyone. Cameron left me with scars that are slow to heal even now. Letting someone know who i really am is an almost impossible task.
Last night, too many cocktails, along with other factors, I was bawling uncontrollably. Unable to know the reason of my despair. I could not breathe. Once again I pushed someone I care about away because I felt that being alone was the only option. I told him to leave only minutes later realizing that i actually do want him here. He is one of the most understanding people i have met in a long time.

I awoke this morning feeling distraught and embarrassed. I would like to have known Devin longer than a month before he could see everything about me. But it was all put out in the open. As ugly as it can be. Me, a confusing mess of a person as of now.
I don't like this part of myself, it scares me when it comes out.
I just want to help myself be the happy me.