I have lived with depression a good portion of my life. Most of the time it seems manageable. If i take good care of myself. Eat well, exercise and have a positive attitude. Lately it has snuck back into my life at full force, and with the worst timing. Maybe its a culmination of all the change that is entering my life, as well as starting to date someone. It has been about 3 years since I have opened up to anyone. Cameron left me with scars that are slow to heal even now. Letting someone know who i really am is an almost impossible task.
Last night, too many cocktails, along with other factors, I was bawling uncontrollably. Unable to know the reason of my despair. I could not breathe. Once again I pushed someone I care about away because I felt that being alone was the only option. I told him to leave only minutes later realizing that i actually do want him here. He is one of the most understanding people i have met in a long time.
I awoke this morning feeling distraught and embarrassed. I would like to have known Devin longer than a month before he could see everything about me. But it was all put out in the open. As ugly as it can be. Me, a confusing mess of a person as of now.
I don't like this part of myself, it scares me when it comes out.
I just want to help myself be the happy me.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
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